|Do teens believe in aliens? Or perhaps the more important question is do aliens believe in teenagers? Whatever the answer, my exhaustive research has led me to believe that there is definitely a connection between the two, and it involves pizza.
Just for the record: Im not one of those people who chases UFOs, doodles crop circles in the margins of my Pre-Calculus homework, and has Fox Mulders I Want to Believe poster hanging on the ceiling above my bed next to the skylight. Nevertheless, I do believe in aliens and I think I have more than enough evidence to prove their existence. I tried to talk to teens about whether or not they believe and I got very few people to respond. Have you ever tried to interview the Mafia? Same effect--no ones talking. You wanna know why? Theyre afraid. They dont want me to uncover who (or rather, what) they really are. Have you been to high school lately? If you have, you would know that aliens ARE among us (and I dont JUST mean the teachers) and theyre using unsuspecting teens as their cell phones. Who do you think started the trend of multiple body piercings? Teens think theyre for decoration and self-expression, but really theyre antennas--communication devices that the aliens use to talk to their homeworld. Its kind of like an interstellar CricKet, but instead of a little green couch, it involves little green men. When I asked teens what they thought aliens would look like, they smiled at me blankly and said, Just like us. I swear I could hear the theme song to The Twilight Zone playing in the background. Thats what they want us to think. They want us to think that they look just like us, but I have proof that they dont.
I have a photo, or at least I had one. This mysterious photograph showed up at my aunts house several years ago. It just showed up! We dont know who took it or how it got there, but it got there. Maybe it was supposed to be there . . . maybe its part of the plan. Who knows? What I do know is that I just dont get it. Ive thought of every possible explanation as to what the deformed little creature in the photo could be and the only reasonable possibility is that its either an alien or one freaky-looking pizza delivery boy (or maybe both). Whats up with the Little Caesars Pizza sign on the fence? Did I miss this ad campaign? I get it now! Alien pizza delivery boys--its all part of the plan. The plan to take over the world one pizza at a time!!! Unfortunately, the original photograph is lost (and thus unavailable for serious scientific inquiry), but when it was in my familys possession, we had the foresight to scan it with hopes that one day, we could use the evidence to expose their plans for world domination.
Fact or Fiction? Pepperoni or Sausage? You decide. And would you like some Crazy Bread with that?