Do teens believe in aliens? Or perhaps the more important question is do aliens believe in teenagers? Whatever the answer, my exhaustive research has led me to believe that there is definitely a connection between the two, and it involves pizza.

Just for the record: I’m not one of those people who chases UFOs, doodles crop circles in the margins of my Pre-Calculus homework, and has Fox Mulder’s “I Want to Believe” poster hanging on the ceiling above my bed next to the skylight. Nevertheless, I do believe in aliens and I think I have more than enough evidence to prove their existence. I tried to talk to teens about whether or not they believe and I got very few people to respond. Have you ever tried to interview the Mafia? Same effect--no one’s talking. You wanna know why? They’re afraid. They don’t want me to uncover who (or rather, what) they really are. Have you been to high school lately? If you have, you would know that aliens ARE among us (and I don’t JUST mean the teachers) and they’re using unsuspecting teens as their cell phones. Who do you think started the trend of multiple body piercings? Teens think they’re for decoration and self-expression, but really they’re antennas--communication devices that the aliens use to talk to their homeworld. It’s kind of like an interstellar CricKet, but instead of a little green couch, it involves little green men. When I asked teens what they thought aliens would look like, they smiled at me blankly and said, “Just like us.” I swear I could hear the theme song to “The Twilight Zone” playing in the background. That’s what they want us to think. They want us to think that they look just like us, but I have proof that they don’t.

I have a photo, or at least I had one. This mysterious photograph showed up at my aunt’s house several years ago. It just showed up! We don’t know who took it or how it got there, but it got there. Maybe it was supposed to be there . . . maybe it’s part of “the plan.” Who knows? What I do know is that I just don’t get it. I’ve thought of every possible explanation as to what the deformed little creature in the photo could be and the only reasonable possibility is that it’s either an alien or one freaky-looking pizza delivery boy (or maybe both). What’s up with the “Little Caesar’s Pizza” sign on the fence? Did I miss this ad campaign? I get it now! Alien pizza delivery boys--it’s all part of “the plan.” The plan to take over the world one pizza at a time!!! Unfortunately, the original photograph is lost (and thus unavailable for serious scientific inquiry), but when it was in my family’s possession, we had the foresight to scan it with hopes that one day, we could use the evidence to expose their plans for world domination.

Fact or Fiction? Pepperoni or Sausage? You decide. And would you like some Crazy Bread with that?